After writing the article about how daily habits determine who you are and how having the proper daily habits can actually be the key to absolute happiness (if such a thing exists), I thought I will dwell a bit on the subject of sex.
Why sex? because it is something that we are all familiar with, no matter our gender or background. Or at least I hope you are familiar with it 😉 it is one of the basic acts of being a human, and one of the most rewarding in terms of happiness and positive feelings.
And yet, in our current culture which promotes constant endeavor towards goals, achievements and “self-development”, I believe that for a lot of people this “way of living”, this habit of constantly thinking of the future and always worrying about achieving an end or a goal, has leaked itself even into the area of sex and relationships in general. This might be more an article for men than women, but I think that a lot of women might find something useful in here as well. Consider how a lot of people nowadays approach relationships with the other gender (remember though, that this isn’t always the case for each guy, there are many exceptions):
- A guy (since I am a guy, it will be easier for me to write as a male) meets a woman that he finds attractive and they start talking together. The man is not thinking of how the conversation is going – his mind is already in the future, thinking “does she like me?” “where will this go?” “how will this turn out?”
- The guy gets that girls phone number and they start exchanging SMS’s. All the while, he is not thinking about how nice it is to talk to that girl, but he is already wondering if and when they will meet up.
- The guy and the girl meet up. They are talking and there is so much to discover about each other, yet the guy is not thinking about it, he is not in the moment nor in the conversation – his mind is racing towards the future: “how is this going?” “should I kiss her now?” “does this have a chance of working?”
- The guy and the girl finally kiss. The guy enjoys the kiss for a short while, but his mind is already in the future again – he is already thinking how to interpret the kiss, when will they be able to have sex and will it work at all.
- Some time later, they are together at his or her house. They start kissing, but the guy is already thinking about whether “it’s time” to move things further.
- He starts kissing her neck, but already he is thinking about whether he should move forward..still living in the future, never “now”.
- They start having sex, and the guy is already thinking whether she will be pleased, whether he won’t ejaculate prematurely.
- They finish having sex, and the guy is thinking whether they will be able to meet again soon, whether everything went “fine”, whether this was satisfying or not.
All the time, the “NOW” somehow eludes this guy. He is constantly in the future, analyzing and worrying, never really able to enjoy what is going on here in the moment.
I believe that this is one of the differences between a poor/average lover, and a very good one – the great ones have the uncanny ability to always be in the moment and enjoy what they are doing, giving it their full attention and they simply let go of themselves – which doesn’t mean they take ages to get things done, on the contrary – things around them happen by themselves, simply because they are not trying too much to get things achieved, and therefore they feel relaxed, happy. And those feelings in return radiate around them towards the people they interact with, making them feel relaxed and happy as well. And things just flow then..
Here are a few things that I tried and found to work quite well, you might want to try them yourself:
- When speaking with a woman/man you are attracted to, try repeating what he/she is saying in your head for a while. I noticed that this makes it impossible for your mind to wander, and makes you completely present in the NOW. You are immerssed in the conversation and suddenly you see how many interesting things are being said, how many things need clarification and how many more questions you would like to ask or things you would like to say about the issue discussed. Do it for a few minutes each time you have a conversation and soon you will start seeing a whole different side to your conversations. Try it!
- When the two of you are kissing or playing around, put your whole heart and mind into it. Absorb your mind in it by observing everything that is happening – the sensation, the smell, the touch, the feeling, the sounds. Talk to yourself about those things. Ever notice how the books that have very vivid descriptions of items and surroundings are the ones that draw you into the book’s reality the most? It is like you become immerssed in that universe written on the paper. This is the power of description and imagination showing you it’s potential – use it for your benifit!
- Whenever you catch yourself thinking about the future and planning ahead, immediately draw attention to something else: if you are with someone, ask them to tell you a joke, ask them how their day went. If you are alone, read a paper, read a book, get out your cellphone and play some game. Obviously don’t over do it either – there is nothing wrong in thinking and planning ahead sometimes. Just make sure it doesn’t become a habit!
- Read some interesting novels. A thousand and one arabian nights, some Charles Dickens stories, Agatha Christie’s criminal cases or simply Harry Potter – anything that gets the imagination working. You will most likely find that this allows you to look at everyday objects in much more detail, you will also become more descriptive in your everyday conversation, and in return will be less analytical in everyday life and more “in the now”. Get some fictional, well written stories, and start reading!
In conclusion, try not to think of the “later”. You will most likely end up simply draining your energies, unable to enjoy what you are doing at any moment, nor enjoy your achievements – and this way of living will quickly become a habit that is very hard to change.
As the song goes: relax, take it easy!